"locally hated"

hey guys what is up

i know its been a long time since i posted on my blog but my life is such a huge fucking mess i really dont have the time or the energy to be feeding into whatever awesome content you guys want out of me.

its been really up and down. every single day is up and down up and down up and down up and down and up and down and then i just do it all over again every single day and its exhausting. the person i love doesnt love me back and its complicated and im guilty all the time and the only thing that makes me happy are delusions of a love triangle scenario with michael and trevor from gtav.

i cant do this anymore tbh. i think everyone, myself first and foremost,will be better off if im gone. and thats fine by me. maybe ill go to california and slit my wrists and no one will know because theyll just think im in california "healing". I cant heal. I cant deal. I

So anyways guys im going to cali this summer with my best friend because we love it there and its our last saving grace before doom impends on us all. were growing up and we dont want to. if im being totally transparent with you guys my therapist says i have an age regression issue whenever im presented with conflict. im just glad its not autism because that would the fuck suck. but i do agree with her and my life is basically entirely made up of conflict. inner conflict mainly, natural conflict and then real shitty fucking conflict and i dont know how to deal with it x

she also didnt disagree with me when i said i thought what if i have a small tumor and thats why im acting this crazy all the time and want to kill myself. honestly, i would be RELIEVED if this was all a tumor. or maybe i passed out one day and this is all a dream and ill wake up from that and have all the answers and never have fucked everything up in my life ten times over and maybe i would graduate from high school and not be a narcissitic autistic fucking mess everyday and i would see the beauty of the world and i would know how to live my life right because i made all these mistakes in a dream.

but the truth is i do see the beauty of the world, and i do recognize that there is no joy without pain and that pain is the most important part of life its what makes you grow into the person you should be. but i just have a feeling ive been here a million times before and ive already fucked this life up just like i did the last time and the last and the last and the last and so on for eternity. I think my soul is being tortured and i dont know why. maybe i have to recognize my to be free

i think im going to die soon if im being totally honest. i think my time here is coming to an end. it was as short little visit and im sorry to all the people whos lives ive made worse by being in it but im going to go soon by my hands or by gods.

this is the best ive felt in a couple days though. i just thought id give you all a little trat since i know u been missin on me

oh also by the way i finished lost. amazing ending and the people who dont get it will never get it and they are close minded people. i suppose thats close minded for me to say though.

hmm what else is knew with me.................................................................................................................

...................................................................................... dyed my hair pink it looks like shit and its damaged and gross and also my hands are disgusting i wash them all the time but they still end up covered in grime five minutes later.

but honesly thats all thats up with me... so im probably going to go masturbate and then think about killing myself more, try to tap in with my future self... and then watch my little show and then go to beddy bye!

oh also im thinking of buying a gun for self defense. put in the comments below what gun i should buy ive never bought one before so lmk some user friendly ones specifically a glock or soomething i dont want a shotgun or an ak or an ar